Shall We Eat?

SHALL WE EAT?

Players:
Chris: same economic class as Pat
Pat: same age as Chris (but maybe not)

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Scene: A kitchen-dining area of a house: Dining room table, chairs, refrigerator, cupboards, counter space, etc. Against Upstage back wall, a large picture window. Through the window can be seen a large, somewhat ornamental tree.

* * * * *

Chris: Shall we eat?
Pat: Yes. But what shall we eat?
Chris: I don't know. I just want to eat.
Pat: Well, let's throw something in the microwave. It doesn=t matter what. Just nourishment. That's all I care about. Nourishment!
Chris: Sounds good to me.
Pat: (Thinking) Chris, do you love me?
Chris: I love you more today than yesterday, if that's what you mean.
Pat: That's what I mean.
Chris: That's what I mean. And do you love me?
Pat: Not as much as tomorrow, if that's what you mean.
Chris: Ah! Precisely what I mean!
(They embrace.)
Pat: We love each other. But what shall we eat?
Chris: Anything you like, my love.
Pat: Anything?
Chris: Anything.
Pat: Chris, are you going to mow the lawn today?
Chris: I was planning on it, if that's what you mean.
Pat: Exactly. And trim the tree?
Chris: That too, my love.
(They look out the window to the intended tree.)
Pat: And the pig. Will you feed the pig?
Chris: I always feed the pig.
Pat: And the ducks. Will you feed the ducks too?
Chris: No, not the ducks. That's your job.
Pat: (Slowly) Yes, the ducks. (Faster) Could you help with the ducks?
Chris: Could you help with the tree?
Pat: Certainly.
Chris: And the lawn?
Pat; Of course.
Chris; Then it's settled.
Pat: We can do it together. We can do it all together!
(They embrace.)
Chris: But what shall we eat?
Pat: Your guess is as good as mine.
Chris: Well, let's not guess; let's decide.
Pat: Agreed!
(They look at the cupboard.)
Chris: And then we can do the dishes.
Pat: Shall we use the dishwasher? Or do it by hand? I could wash, and you could dry.
Chris: We could. Or vice versa. There's no limit to what we could do.
Pat: That's the beauty of it.
Chris: Shall we eat then?
Pat: Let's.
Chris: But who'll drive the car?
Pat: Do we need to drive the car?
Chris: You never know.
Pat: Let's assume we need to drive the car.
Chris: To eat?
Pat: To eat.
Chris: Then who'll drive?
Pat: I could.
Chris: So could I.
Pat: Ah! The beauty of it!
(They embrace.)
(Sound of automobile driving past outside. Chris and Pat look at each other, intuitively; affectionately.)
Chris: We could take the bus.
Pat: Yes, the bus.
Chris: The beauty.
Pat: The beauty.
Chris: Shall we eat now?
Pat: We should.
Chris: What?
Pat: What? Or what?
Chris: What.
Pat: I see. (They laugh.)
Chris: The beauty.
Pat: The beauty.
(They smile.)
Chris: Shall we have pasta?
Pat: (Incredulously) In the microwave?
Chris: Pizza then?
Pat: We have no pizza.
Chris: Did you check the fridge?
Pat: I'll check the fridge.
(Pat checks the fridge.)
Pat: No pizza.
Chris: A pity. Mexican food?
Pat: A burrito?
Chris: Or soup?
Pat: We have soup?
Chris: We have soup from yesterday.
Pat: Then we could have soup!
Chris: Soup it is!
(Pat and Chris rush, together, to the fridge, bring out a large pot of soup, and place it on the counter. They fumble and bump into each other, but eventually get two bowls from the cupboard and fill them and place each bowl in the microwave.)
Pat: Shall I turn it on now?
Chris: Let's do.
Pat: (Hesitates) How long do we cook it?
Chris: How should I know?
Pat: One minute? Two minutes?
Chris: Does it matter?
Pat: Maybe a minute and a half.
(They smile together.)
Chris: Minute and a half it is!
(Pat closes the door to the microwave, sets the timer, and presses the START button. Immediately, all lights go out, and Pat and Chris are left in the dark.)
Chris: Now we've done it!
Pat: What have we done?
Chris: Well, the lights went out, of course.
Pat: Where's the fuse box?
Chris: We haven't a fuse box. Or, anyway, I don't know where the fuse box is. Or maybe it doesn't work.
Pat: Damn.
Chris: Damn.
Pat: What'll we do now?
Chris: What'll we eat now?
Pat: We could have some fruit.
Chris: Where?
Pat: In the fridge.
Chris: Ah, yes. The fridge. Fruit in the fridge.
(Pat, in the darkness, starts for the fridge, but bumps into something; loud thud noises as objects collide and fall.)
Pat: Damn.
Chris: Found the fridge?
Pat: Not yet. But almost.
Chris: Are you OK?
Pat: I'm OK. Didn't break anything. Here it is.
Chris: Here what is?
Pat: The fridge.
Chris: How do you know?
Pat: I guessed.
Chris: You guessed?
Pat: Or maybe I knew.
Chris: You knew?
Pat: Maybe.
Chris: But I can't see it.
Pat: Neither can I.
Chris: But you knew it?
Pat: I think I knew it.
Chris: Do you see the fruit?
Pat: No, the door's still closed.
Chris: Are you going to open it?
Pat: I was thinking of it.
(Silence. Then, sound of refrigerator door opening.)
Pat; It's still dark.
Chris: So I see.
Pat: Chris, do you love me?
Chris: More than yesterday, my love. Can you see the fruit?
Pat; No, but I can feel something.
Chris: What is it?
Pat: I don't know.
Chris: Let me look.
(Chris, in the darkness, starts for the fridge, but bumps into something. Loud thud noises as objects, as before, collide and fall.)
Pat: What was that?
Chris: The chair, I think. Or maybe the table. Or maybe the garbage. But I can't see anything. Where's the fruit?
Pat: Watch your step.
(Sound of lawnmower engine starting up.)
Pat: What's that?
Chris: Sounds like the lawnmower.
Pat: Our lawnmower?
Chris: Sounds like it.
Pat: Well, who's using our lawnmower? No one asked to use our lawnmower.
Chris: I'll go look.
(Chris, in the darkness, attempts to cross room to the window, but with almost every step bumps into something; loud thud noises: objects colliding with objects and falling add to the sound of the lawnmower.)
Pat: Are you OK?
Chris: I'm fine, I'm fine.
(Loud clap of thunder (but, strangely, no lightning.))
Pat: Where are you?
Chris: I don't know; I think I'm at the window.
(Sound of automobile driving past outside, rising above the sound of the relentless lawnmower; more thunder (but still no lightning [and there will never be any lightning.]))
Pat: How do you know?
Chris: I don't know; I only think I know.
Pat: That's good. What do you see?
(Sound of more vehicles driving past outside; constant roll of thunder; continued lawn mower sound; weed-eater begins its high-pitched whine.)
Chris: Nothing.
Pat; Chris, are you frightened?
Chris: Not much.
(Sound of chain saw starting up. From here on out, it becomes progressively more difficult to make out the words of the two Players.)
Pat: Chris, I love you.
Chris: How much?
Pat: Not as much as I will tomorrow.
(The sudden intensity and increased volume of the chain saw suggests that it is now cutting into something solid; it is also becoming nearly--but not quite--impossible to hear or understand the dialog on the darkened stage; thunder continues; internal-combustion engines. The sounds of darkness.)
Chris: Pat, are you frightened?
Pat: I think I am.
Chris: Do you have the fruit yet?
Pat: No, I forgot about the fruit.
Chris: Well, maybe the fruit will help. Find the fruit. The fruit will help.
Pat: But I can't see.
Chris: What?
(For the remainder of the play--because of the rising volume of the noise--the dialog is essentially inaudible; it would be futile to attempt to determine who is actually speaking which lines--or even to give an accurate account of the actual words spoken (i.e., the words shown below); what follows, therefore, is only speculation.)
Pat: (Louder) I CAN'T SEE.
Chris: I can't hear. What did you say?
Pat: I CAN'T SEE!
Chris: NEITHER CAN I.
(Noise volume increases.)
Pat: Chris, I think I'm scared now.
Chris: WHAT?
Pat: I'M FRIGHTENED!
Chris: (Shouting, becoming frantic.) I'M COMING! WHERE'S THE PIG? WHERE'RE THE DUCKS? WE NEED TO FEED THE DUCKS!
Pat: WE NEED FOOD--NOURISHMENT.
Chris: SAVE THE TREE!
Pat: NOURISHMENT!
Chris: WHAT?
Pat: I WANT MY DUCKS!
Chris: I'M COMING!
(Sound of falling objects, breaking glass--vases? window? Sound of automobiles and trucks and busses and heavy equipment driving past outside; constant thunder; increased sound of lawnmower and weed-eater and chain saw, falling tree branches and limbs; automatic weapons fire; continued rising sound of indecipherable human voices attempting to rise above the other noises; pig grunting, ducks quacking, curtain falling.)