The Enormous Telephone

THE ENORMOUS TELEPHONE--An Act in Six Scenes


Scene 1

(The stage is partitioned into two equal halves, a Stage Right and Stage Left. During the whole of each scene, one half, representing a single room, is fully lighted while the other half remains in complete darkness.

(When the curtain rises, a 22-year old WOMAN is seated on the lone couch that is in the center back of Stage Left. The set is sparsely furnished: the couch and, to its right, a small end-table with a telephone. The woman, whose hair is blue and spiked 35 centimeters high, is reading a book. She is wearing a tank top, shorts, and no shoes.

(The telephone rings.

(The woman gets up from the couch, puts down the book, and crosses the room to the table and telephone. She answers the phone. The voice from the telephone, here as in each scene, will be heard from the two huge speakers at each side of the stage to allow the audience to hear both ends of the conversation.)

WOMAN: Hello.

TELEPHONE: Hello. Miss Toast?

WOMAN: Ms. Toast.

TELEPHONE: Yes, Ms. Toast. Excuse me. My name is Elmer Judd, and I'm calling from the Madden Studio. You've heard of us?

WOMAN: No.

TELEPHONE: That's all right. What I want to do is tell you about our fantastic portrait offer. For this month, only, we are offering to just a select number of customers a free sitting--individual or group shot-- for the extremely . . .

WOMAN: Excuse me.

TELEPHONE: Yes?

WOMAN: Will you hold the phone for just a moment?
TELEPHONE: Well, . . . certainly, but . . .

(The WOMAN places the receiver down on the table, crosses the room, and returns to the couch, seating herself precisely where she was before the telephone had rung. She picks up her book and returns to her reading.

(One full minute elapses.

(She then puts the book back down on the couch, gets up, and crosses the room to the table and the telephone. She picks up the receiver.)

WOMAN: Hello.

TELEPHONE: Hello! There you are. I was afraid you might have forgotten . . .

WOMAN: I haven't forgotten. Will you hold the phone for a moment?

TELEPHONE: But wait! Please. If I could just talk to you for a few moments about our incredible portrait offer. . .

(The telephone voice grows increasingly more faint until it trails off to nothing as the WOMAN, without waiting for the reply, places the telephone receiver back on the table, crosses the room to the couch, sits down, and returns to the book she had been reading. After 44 seconds, the lights come down.)


Scene 2

(Lights come up quickly on Stage Right. Stage Left is now completely dark. Though sparsely furnished, this room appears to be a den, or family room. A book case lines most of the back wall. Where there are no books, a telephone hangs from the wall with a small cupboard beside it.

(A BOY, 11 years old, is seated on the carpet in the center of Stage Right. He is wearing a tank top, shorts, and has no shoes. His hair is short cropped, and he is cleaning between his toes with a great deal of concentration. He does this for quite some time--indeed, until the telephone rings. Then, looking over his shoulder, he brings the fingers of his right hand up to his nose, and sniffs deeply. He rises and answers the phone.)

BOY: Hello.

TELEPHONE: (From the very first sound, it is clear that the words coming from the telephone are a computerized pre-recorded message. Male.) Hello. You want the best for your family. You love them, and you show your love in many ways: a hug, a kiss, a smile, a kind word. Love is caring. Caring means that you want to provide for your family's financial needs now and in the future.

(At this point, the BOY, while still holding the telephone with one hand, opens the cupboard door with his free hand, and removes a number of pamphlets.)

Wouldn't it be reassuring to know that your plans for your family would be realized if, by some chance, you couldn't be there? Life insurance could help assure that future for your family if they had to go on without you. (Completely inattentive to the telephone monologue, The BOY thumbs through the pamphlets.) It could mean keeping their home, continuing an education, or it could mean maintaining their financial security for many years to come. If you've been thinking about buying life insurance or updating your present policy, you should consider our Allstate Universal Life policy. (The BOY continues thumbing, apparently looking for something.) This policy not only provides death benefits to insure financial stability for your family, it also provides "living benefits" to help you plan your financial future. For all these and many other good reasons, doesn't it make sense (The BOY stops his thumbing, and begins reading one of the pamphlets in earnest.) to find out how Allstate's Universal Life could become an important part of your financial planning? If you would like a representative to contact you to discuss in more detail how you can benefit from our Universal Life Plan, please leave your name at the sound of the tone. TONE.

BOY: (Reading aloud from the pamphlet he has decided on) "40,000 human beings will die of starvation today."

TELEPHONE: Thank you. And at the sound of the tone, please leave your telephone number. TONE.

BOY: (From another pamphlet) "It takes approximately 32 pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef."

TELEPHONE: Thank you. CLICK.

(Lights come down.)


Scene 3

(Lights come up quickly, but again on one side only, Stage Left this time. The room--a living room resembling that in Scene 1--is sparsely furnished: a tattered couch, a frayed rocking chair, a chipped end table with a telephone, and a door, closed, against Stage Left wall.

(No one is in the room, but from off-stage comes the sound of running water from a shower.

(The telephone rings. Twice.)

A WOMAN'S VOICE: (Shouting) I'm coming!

(The shower immediately goes silent. The telephone rings again. Rumblings from off-stage: a shower curtain pulled roughly aside, a towel yanked from its rack, wet feet on linoleum. The telephone rings two more times.)

WOMAN'S VOICE: (Still shouting) I'm coming! I'm coming! Don't hang up! I'll be right there!

(The telephone rings again. Sound of body parts bumping into walls.)

WOMAN'S VOICE: Damn!

(The telephone rings again. Sound of door flying open and slamming shut; soggy footsteps. The telephone rings again. Door to Stage Left is thrown open. Small cloud of steam enters, followed by a WOMAN, 33 years old, wrapped in a towel, head dripping wet. The telephone rings.)

WOMAN: (Running awkwardly across stage, clutching towel around her body) I'm coming!

(She lunges for the telephone on the table, grabs it, takes a deep breath, and speaks.)

WOMAN: (Calmly) Hello. (Pause) Hello. Hello! (Pause, and then slamming the telephone onto the receiver) Shit!

(Lights come down abruptly.)


Scene 4

(Lights come up. Stage Right reveals a well-furnished room--couch, table, television and VCR, stereo component with turntable, CD, and cassette tape players, framed paintings on the back wall, and--of course--a telephone, complete with an answering machine.

(No one is in the room.

(The telephone rings--four times before the machine clicks on.)

ANSWERING MACHINE: (A male voice) Hello. If you were trying to reach either Dr. Raskolnikov or her husband, Rodya, they are out for the evening and will not return until fairly late. One of them will return your call in the morning if you will just leave your name, telephone number, and message when you hear the tone. Sorry for the inconvenience, but thank you for calling. Have a nice evening.

TELEPHONE: (A muffled sigh.)

(Lights come down immediately.)


Scene 5

(Lights come up quickly, but again on only one side, Stage Left. The stage is--once again--sparsely furnished, but it is clear that this room is a kitchen.

(A man, 66 years old, is washing dishes in a sink at center back stage. His back is to the audience, and he is wearing an apron. His white hair is tied back in a pony-tail.

(The telephone rings.

(The man immediately stops washing the dishes, reaches for a towel from the rack above the sink, and dries his hands, then answers the phone, which is hanging on the wall within easy reach.)

MAN: Helloed.

TELEPHONE: (Enthusiastically) Hello! Mr. Guevara?

MAN: I am.

TELEPHONE: How are you this evening, Mr. Guevara?

MAN: (After a pause) I'm not sure.

TELEPHONE: (Slowly) Well, . . . that's . . . good to hear. (A very short pause, followed by a renewed enthusiasm) Yes, good to hear. My name is Victor Carcinogenic, Mr. Guevara, and I'm calling from Denver, Colorado. I'm a stock broker with Cutler-Painewebber. And I'd like to talk with you for a few moments this evening--if I can--about how you can invest in the future. Wisely and securely. Are you at all familiar . . .

MAN: Just one moment, Mr. . . ?

TELEPHONE: Carinogenic. Victor Carcinogenic.

MAN: Just a moment, Mr. Carcinogenic. (Placing the telephone receiver on the sink counter, he steps over to the table, picks up a stack of papers lying there, and retrieves the phone.) Yes, I have it right here. You have a moment, don't you?

TELEPHONE: Certainly, but I . . .

MAN: Good! I've been working on a play.

TELEPHONE: I'm sorry, Mr. Guevara. I don't seem to understand. I was calling to see if you'd be interested in investing with our company. I want to talk to you about our Mutual Funds.

MAN: And I want to talk to you about this play I've been working on. I'd like some feedback on a few sections that aren't as smooth as I'd like them to be. You're a play-goer?

TELEPHONE: No, . . . well, a little.

MAN: Splendid!

TELEPHONE: But excuse me, Mr. Guevara. My company . . .

MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Carcinogenic. If my memory serves me correctly, it was you who called me. Is that right?

TELEPHONE: Yes, of course.

MAN: That's what I thought. So. I don't have a title yet, but the first scene begins with the following description of the stage setting. I will now begin reading, and you be so kind as to listen:
"The stage is partitioned into two equal halves, a Stage Right and a Stage Left. During the whole of each scene, one half, representing a single room, is fully lighted while the other half remains in complete darkness.
"When the curtain rises, a 22-year-old woman is seated on the lone couch. Her hair is blue and spiked 35 centimeters . . . ."

(The MAN's voice grows increasingly more faint until it trails off to nothing at the same time that the lights grow increasingly more dim until all is darkness.)


Scene 6

(Even before the lights come up, music--mellow, doctor office type--and the murmur of voices can be heard. Suddenly, Stage Right becomes brilliant with light to reveal a room furnished exactly as the one in Scene 4--a couch, a table, stereo, TV, paintings, and a telephone. It would be a mistake, however, to conclude that the two rooms are the same room. The sounds--the music and the voices--heard before the lights were brought up are those of the stereo and TV.

(No one inhabits the room.

(One full minute passes before the telephone begins to ring.

(After the fourth ring, the answering machine clicks on. At the precise moment that the answering machine clicks on with its pre-recorded message (a female voice), the voice from the caller--a computerized pre-recorded male voice--pronounces its own message. The stereo and the TV commentary can be heard in the background all the while the two telephone voices, laid down one on top of the other, proceed.)

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi! Don and Joan Lobotomy are not home right TELEPHONE: Hello. Here at Dudley's Dry Cleaning, we

ANSWERING MACHINE: now. They went to the football game this TELEPHONE: guarantee the fastest, best dry cleaning

ANSWERING MACHINE: afternoon and will be going out to dinner TELEPHONE: services in town. Open twenty-four hours a day

ANSWERING MACHINE: afterwards with some friends. They're both TELEPHONE: and same-day service. We can remove even the

ANSWERING MACHINE: sorry that they missed your call, but one of TELEPHONE: most stubborn of stains and greases. So, why

ANSWERING MACHINE: them will return your call in the morning. TELEPHONE: not give yourself a break and give us a call.
ANSWERING MACHINE: At the sound of the tone, please leave your TELEPHONE: At the sound of the tone, please leave your

ANSWERING MACHINE: name, phone number, and message. TONE.
TELEPHONE: name, phone number, and message. TONE.

(Fifteen seconds of silence, except for the stereo's music and the television's murmur. Then . . .)

ANSWERING MACHINE: Thank you, and good night. Have a nice TELEPHONE: Thank you, and good night. Have a nice

ANSWERING MACHINE: evening. CLICK.
TELEPHONE: day. CLICK.

(After the CLICK of the two telephones, the music and murmurs continue. After 33 seconds, the telephone rings. On the fourth ring, the lights and curtain abruptly drop.)